I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
