everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
