I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
