life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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