My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
