My nipple is on Facebook.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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