20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You ruined the universe
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
