I am puke
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
