honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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