I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
