I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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