You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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