you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
