So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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