Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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