Umm I'm too high to move.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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