can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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