I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
