Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
