If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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