Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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