I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
