I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
