i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
