if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
