On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
