I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
