So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
