i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
