I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Even my vagina gasped.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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