I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
