he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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