FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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