Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
