Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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