Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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