Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
now i know why i became what i already was.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
