The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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