two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
