I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Buhtt sex?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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