God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
