woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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