im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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