??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
