i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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