When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
