i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
