i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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