I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
