I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
